Work was busy all week, looked forward to the weekend........although tired from long hours at hour (12 hour shifts), I felt strong. My weight workout went well all week. Still have the lump on the chest, so not an infection....either something wrong with the port or.....do not want to think about it but scheduling an appointment to see the doctor this week.

Good morning and Happy New Year 2012...........

Celebrated the New Year's Eve at in-laws like every pass years for the last 21 years...as we got older, the festivities have mellowed. When I met my in-laws, they were party animals where all extended family came over...sometimes as many as 70 people or plus....now, its only the immediate family so less than 20 and festivities were more playing family games instead of the non-stop dancing and singing. You realize that we are getting old but never the less it was a good night with them.

I was questioned by my niece about how I felt dealing with my cancer. She feels that in my attempt to be strong for others that I am not expressing my feelings, anxiety and fears...she is studying to get her PhD in psychology...I am in the same field....although I tried explaining, she misunderstood my point (maybe too much tequila or too noising for her to hear right). Oh well, next time I will try harder.

Its been a long time since I did not need to work on New Year's Day, so we were able to stay out late..we went to bed close to 4am. Its 11:30am and Bryan is still asleep.

Well, I wish everyone a healthy and happy New Year...with God grace, I hope no more cancer but if it comes back, I hope to have the strenght to deal with it.

Took today and tomorrow off from work....to relax...yeah right!

Had Bryan's appointment with the specialist to go over the blood work where he tested positive for possible Lupus which runs in my family (my sister and younger brother both have Lupus - please read earlier post). Thankfully, doctor does not believe he has Lupus since all other factors are negative - so carrier like me. She scheduled couple of other test to rule it out. Praying to God those also come back negative.

I tried relaxing the rest of the day but received about 10 texts and 3 calls from work about different issues at work that needed my input. I felt like I was at work anyway.

The lump still there on my left side of the chest. I should make an appointment to see my doctor. I still hope is just an infection since it popped up so quickly. Its tender to the touch but no real pain. I fear getting paranoid and start thinking that every little thing must be cancer related, that is why I have delayed going to the doctor (seeing if swelling goes way, then it was just an infection).

Quiet day today...slept until 8:30am which is late for me...it felt good to awaken without the sound of the clock alarm...it feels so natural and healthy but reality is that we all need to go to work and earn our pay. I was off today from work but not from the "to do list" from my wife. Out the door at 10am and were not back until 2:30pm. Then continue with house cleaning since guest were coming for dinner.

Once the house was clean, it was time to setup Bryan's new TV in his room but may he clean it first. He was fine with the task since it meant that he would have the TV up and running. But like all, there is always a catch, something that does not go as plan. In this case, the cablebox that I picked up earlier did not work. I ended taking the family cablebox and swapping it into Bryan's room. Tomorrow back to Cablevision office to replaced the unit that did not work.

The dinner with Gloria's friends went well, it ended being fun.

Tomorrow, back to work for one day then off for two. Its going to be strange week with my work days so all over the place, but good thing is that Gloria and Bryan are off so family time.

Merry Christmas to all......hope everyon ehad a blessed day with family, friends and love ones.

Last couple of days were a blur of long hours at work followed with holiday shopping at the local mall with the wife...considering everything of the last 3 years, I should be thankful that I can manage such  busy days and not be laying in a bed suffering. So, thank you God!

Friday was a long day at work. Beside being busy with coordinating all residents holiday visits with their families and solving last minute issues, we had to deal with their holiday indunced anxieties and anger especially with those with no place to go or families willing to take them home. On top, the clinicians schedule a group session before leaving, creating further issues as the boys were anxious about leaving not about focusing with therapy. But we got through it.

Then, last minute shopping! Great, I did not get to relax at all.

Saturday, back to work for morning training. I did get to go to the gym with Bryan and Gloria. It helped.

Christmas Eve was spent at the in-laws. Although it was festive with lots of people, I felt distanced which was noticed by my mother inlaw who kept asking if I was ok. I should not be so negative but I cannot shake the feeling that this may be my last Christmas. I just hit my 3 year mark with the cancer and all it runs through my mind is that survival rate for stage 4 colon cancer past 5 years is 12%. It feels like I am running out of time. I know that I need to stay positive which I do, most of the time, especially in front of family and friends even though inside I want to scream. Last week I noticed a lump on my left chest. Not clear if it's the lymth glands swell up due to an infection or something else. Every little lump creates fear that the cancer has spread but probably a false alarm since I had a PET scan 3 months ago and did not detect anything in that area. Enough with feeling sorry for my self.

The festivities lasted until 2:30am and went to bed at 3:30am. And woke up at 6:30am to go to work for 8 hours. Then returned home for my side of the family get together for Christmas day.....so tired. I wonder if I am running my self so ragged to avoid thinking about the cancer. Either way, I am on my way to bed and no work tomorrow, so I get to sleep in!

So, good night to all and all a good night...................

Its been few days without posting....could blame it on work...long days with nonstop work to do, could blame it on Christmas shopping....each free moment its rush to mall with wife for those specials and bargains...but reality is that just been lazy and a bit down.

Its hard to get excited about the holidays when in the back of my mind I keep wondering whether the next scan will be clean or when it's going to tell me that I have an expiration date. I keep wondering whether this is my last Christmas or how many more.

Then unexpected small things happen to remind you that life goes on and all I can do is stay positive and live with what I have...tomorrow will take care of itself. I guess one of the reason for this blog is vent and get those feelings out so that it does not affect how I  deal with things throughout the day.

Started going back to the gym...each workout becomes easier and starting to feel strong again after the ablation. It helps to make me feel normal and healthy, it's great to sweat it out at the local gym.

Tuesday at work was fine until the late afternoon. Few of the newer residents testing limits but it goes with the territory. In the evening, I went with my wife and sister to a healing mass at the local Catholic church that we belong. It was long after a tiring day at work, but still refreshing. The mass was good and the chorus were talented. Although raised Catholic and continue to attend mass, I consider myself more spiritual than religious. Throughout my treatments, I attended Reike healing sessions and actually became a Reike master myself. Between my faith, healing session, love of my family and friends, I managed to deal with all the surgeries and chemo treatments with remarkable endurance.

Today, I took off time from work. I had my follow up appointment with the radiologist. My brother came over in the morning and we had breakfast at the local diner. He stayed at my house until my wife arrived from work (worked half a day). Then she and I left to New Brunswick for the appointment.

The blood work was fine which means my liver dealt with the ablation well. No chemo! (for now, anyway) The next set of scans will be done in 3 months. Although all this sounds great, please understand what it means to me. For couple of months, I get to pretend everything is back to normal and fool myself not to worry. But, then I have to get the scans and wait couple of weeks to be told if the cancer is back or if I am still cancer-free.

The percentage of surviving past 5 years at stage 4 for colon cancer is 12%. December 23rd will be 3 years since all this started and December 30th when diagnosed with cancer. Sometimes it feels easier to deal with the treatments than dealing with the anxiety of waiting to see if I beat it. At least with the treatments, I feel that something is being accomplished. Bryan is a sophomore and all I want is to be there for him for those difficult teenage years. I will continue to pray, have hope and have trust in God that all be well.